GRACefully Attractive MsiCHana ELEgant
Mchele (v) – the act of spiking a drink with stuff that takes the recipient out giving the opportunity to wanugu their valuables. Synonyms included Basmati, Mwea Am I?, FizzleDawgMaNizzle
Mchele (n) – the stuff used to mchele
About four months ago I decided to go for dungudungu night at Club Click. We had been sipping at TamTam with Man-One and though nicely marinated, I still felt I had extra energy and therefore didn’t want to head home.
Mistake One: I headed there alone because Man-One was too tired and had to bounce.
The music was flowing and so were the chikombes. As usual, within minutes of fikaing the club I meet one of my various drink-buddies. As in, regardless of which joint I ingia, I always see a familiar face (signs of alcoholism?). So I join the table and the night proceeds polite…
Come home-time, kedo 330am, I head down the steps inebriated and happy. There’s a chicken and chips thingy they have on ground floor. As I walk past it, I spot this ka-bamba there. Hmmm, not bad, not bad at all. She notices me ogling and smiles. She beckons me over and like a lamb to the slaughter I oblige. Pretty smile, hippy kiasi with a scoopable diab. Nice gurudumus and chakula cha mtoto well pronounced (Man-One 2010).
I give her the ambapoooo and she’s still smiling. Heh, no time to waste so I’m like “Si we go”. She giggles, and asks me if I’m serious. “But of course” I say and start walking off. She hesitates kidogo then follows me giggling nervously. “Aki I’m not sure if I should take you seriously or not" she says as she enters the car.
Mistake two: I drive off with her (Milo bila morals).
Some light banter and she gives me vybe of “ooooh I’ve never done this before, I’m sure you think I’m a slut, nini-nini”… I tell her if she is uncomfortable I can drop her off in tao. She goes silent for a while then says it’s cool, we can just go so long as I’ll ensure she’s back in town by 10am. She tells me her name is Grace and she’s working as a nurse at Nairobi Womens.
I fika diggoz and start ruffling her feathers. She obliges kidogo then asks if there is any alcohol. There was a loose Viceroy that she starts taking shots from. She offers me some but I politely decline. I’m in a hurry for #Miereka (Shee 2010) so I ask her wassup. She insists on me taking shots with her but I’m not feeling like. She keeps insisting and I start getting suspicious… I firmly decline. She then sees some chewing gum on the table and takes some. She proceeds to offer me some and I get a nagging feeling iko shida. I insist that if I’m to chew any she can offer me the one she is chewing. She turns her back, fanya-fanyas some mambos, then turns back offering a
kiss of death mmumunya though she’s now stopped chewing. Hmmmmph, I refuse and tell her we need to bounce.
She insists that she needs some water first. I point at a bottle of mineral water on the table. “Noo” she says, “get me some from the fridge”. I head to the kitchen get the water but when I return I notice my camera is no longer on the table. Assi? Yawa! I ask her in a quiet firm tone to give me back the camera. She claims lack of knowledge of its whereabouts. I walk towards her and ask again for it. She claims she knows nothing about it then I spot it under her thigh on the sofa. “Station police! Ambulance!” in an Ojwang voice. I think of throwing her out but I’m worried she my damage Raveesha or cause a scene for the neighbors. I offer to drop her in Westlands. Having been caught with her pants down,
and they were wet, she has no option but to agree. As we get to Westlands she wants to be dropped at Gypsies. We fika there, it’s closed. Then she insists on Sohos. I tell her I’ll drop her at the Mall. She continues to insist and I spot a police patrol car. I drive towards it and tell her I will have a word with the cops. The chicka turns white and asks that I stop the car immediately. She chomokas and vanishes into the night… I head home and find crushed bits of chewing gum and some funny powder on my table. Sululu that was close…..