GRACA MCHELE

GRACefully Attractive MsiCHana ELEgant

Mchele (v) – the act of spiking a drink with stuff that takes the recipient out giving the opportunity to wanugu their valuables. Synonyms included Basmati, Mwea Am I?, FizzleDawgMaNizzle

Mchele (n) – the stuff used to mchele

About four months ago I decided to go for dungudungu night at Club Click. We had been sipping at TamTam with Man-One and though nicely marinated, I still felt I had extra energy and therefore didn’t want to head home.

Mistake One: I headed there alone because Man-One was too tired and had to bounce.

The music was flowing and so were the chikombes. As usual, within minutes of fikaing the club I meet one of my various drink-buddies. As in, regardless of which joint I ingia, I always see a familiar face (signs of alcoholism?). So I join the table and the night proceeds polite…

Come home-time, kedo 330am, I head down the steps inebriated and happy. There’s a chicken and chips thingy they have on ground floor. As I walk past it, I spot this ka-bamba there. Hmmm, not bad, not bad at all. She notices me ogling and smiles. She beckons me over and like a lamb to the slaughter I oblige. Pretty smile, hippy kiasi with a scoopable diab. Nice gurudumus and chakula cha mtoto well pronounced (Man-One 2010).

I give her the ambapoooo and she’s still smiling. Heh, no time to waste so I’m like “Si we go”. She giggles, and asks me if I’m serious. “But of course” I say and start walking off. She hesitates kidogo then follows me giggling nervously. “Aki I’m not sure if I should take you seriously or not" she says as she enters the car.

Mistake two: I drive off with her (Milo bila morals).

Some light banter and she gives me vybe of “ooooh I’ve never done this before, I’m sure you think I’m a slut, nini-nini”… I tell her if she is uncomfortable I can drop her off in tao. She goes silent for a while then says it’s cool, we can just go so long as I’ll ensure she’s back in town by 10am. She tells me her name is Grace and she’s working as a nurse at Nairobi Womens.

I fika diggoz and start ruffling her feathers. She obliges kidogo then asks if there is any alcohol. There was a loose Viceroy that she starts taking shots from. She offers me some but I politely decline. I’m in a hurry for #Miereka (Shee 2010) so I ask her wassup. She insists on me taking shots with her but I’m not feeling like. She keeps insisting and I start getting suspicious… I firmly decline. She then sees some chewing gum on the table and takes some. She proceeds to offer me some and I get a nagging feeling iko shida. I insist that if I’m to chew any she can offer me the one she is chewing. She turns her back, fanya-fanyas some mambos, then turns back offering a kiss of death mmumunya though she’s now stopped chewing. Hmmmmph, I refuse and tell her we need to bounce.

She insists that she needs some water first. I point at a bottle of mineral water on the table. “Noo” she says, “get me some from the fridge”. I head to the kitchen get the water but when I return I notice my camera is no longer on the table. Assi? Yawa! I ask her in a quiet firm tone to give me back the camera. She claims lack of knowledge of its whereabouts. I walk towards her and ask again for it. She claims she knows nothing about it then I spot it under her thigh on the sofa. “Station police! Ambulance!” in an Ojwang voice. I think of throwing her out but I’m worried she my damage Raveesha or cause a scene for the neighbors. I offer to drop her in Westlands. Having been caught with her pants down, and they were wet, she has no option but to agree. As we get to Westlands she wants to be dropped at Gypsies. We fika there, it’s closed. Then she insists on Sohos. I tell her I’ll drop her at the Mall. She continues to insist and I spot a police patrol car. I drive towards it and tell her I will have a word with the cops. The chicka turns white and asks that I stop the car immediately. She chomokas and vanishes into the night… I head home and find crushed bits of chewing gum and some funny powder on my table. Sululu that was close…..

upuzi n BOOTS

upuzi n Behaving atrOciOusly TSk tsk

I met her like 2 years ago. Back in the day, when we would have daily meetings at the Boardroom aka the Peoples Republic of Mwendas. It was a random Wednesday and we were chilling downstairs with Barrack OBamba (Bob). Siptivities (Archer 2009) were at an all time high when the tamuest of yelo-yelos walks into the joint. Resplendent, hawtness, very gewd, welocamu siti-downi (Dimo 2010), whos-ua-mutha supuful. Heh, the bamba was ma-hotnesses. She walks straight to the counter and is busy on phone, gesticulating furiously. “Ching-ching” both Bob and I recognize the tell-tale signs of a lovers tiff. I look at the BambaTwentyYoung and I’m impressed. Skinny jeans, funky top, sexy boots and an apple bum to boot. As usual Bob is charged with the task of scorching the earth to pave way for Milologue. He is promptly dispatched and as soon as she hangs up the phone he is by her side. Ten minutes later I join them at the counter. She is called Puzi and works as an air hostess for L Shabooboo Airlines. We were later to find out that her truancy earned her the boot. We laugh and chat all night and digits are exchanged.

Two days later I send her an ambapo text (kinda like gauging the temperature of the pool with your toe). No reply. A while later I try calling. No answer. I give the usual 2 day grace period and round it off with a kthxbai text (a coward lives to fight another day) and call it quits.

Siku nenda siku rudi and about a year later we bump into Puzi at Betty’s. She completely ignores Bob but runs up to me and *girl she give me the tightest hold me ever receive in my lyyyyfe* it’s a ka-hug for world cup. She pandilias me like well-manured bougainvillea on a wall. Assi wallap? Taking things in stride I ask how she’s been and what’s been happening. “Oh, I left jobo, oh, my phone was stolen, oh, buy me drinks” LOL. But she says she’s with her boys and she’ll shake them off soon enough. By the time we are leaving she’s not yet ready so we agree to catch up later at K1 for Jazz. Soothing sounds of jazz were ours (ndio zetu) moments later at Pitcher and Butch. I then get a text from Puzi. “Woiye my dear, these guys have insisted I stay with them, si we catch up kesho”. I tell her its no beef and we agree to do Taidy’s the next day. She sends me an invoice (Zee 2009) for some airtime SMH

Boot-licker where??

The next day we are sipping polite, shooting pool at Taidys when she tells me oooh her boy is pitiaing to drop off something. Minutes later, she gets a call from the dude. She then tells me ati I shouldn’t be too touchy feely cause she “is feeling” the dude coming *Hwat? Really? Really?* So the guy fikaz and she’s all over him like smelly odors on trash. Heh, okay…. When the guy heads to the loo ati she tells me relax because he’ll be leaving soon… I decide it’s safer to relocate to encourage and hasten his departure. As we are leaving, she asks if we can drop him off at the stage. I reluctantly agree only for the damn dude to kwamilia in the mots “can’t leave wont leave” Tsululu!

Time for Bootcamp

Game chafu I see. I deliver them to Kichinjio where the bodyguard will be disarmed. I call my boy and tell him package imefika. I tell Puzi plus one that I need to dash off and check on something down the road so I’ll join them later they can hang with the boys. Once they are out of the car I speed off to reload my Bambanet. My boy sends a text asking me “Who’s the dude with the package??” I reply saying “Bodyguard perhaps”. He is sharp and gets the message. I then text Puzi and tell her I’ve bumped into a girl “I’m feeling” at another joint so I won’t be coming back. She sends me an invoice for cab fare SMDH. I was later to find out her so called boy was her fiancé nkt! Anyways, said dude was demobilized that night.

*Scottish accent* What ya on aboot?

She texts me a week later saying she’s broke at the digs and must go out. Ati I send her cab fare we meet somewhere for drinks. I tell her I’m diggoz and I’m not chucking. She says I send cab fare plus spending money then. Again, really???? I lenga the text. 3 days later she sends me an application for an unsecured loan of 5k.
I search through my SMS archives for the kthxbai text and retweet it…