upuzi n BOOTS

upuzi n Behaving atrOciOusly TSk tsk

I met her like 2 years ago. Back in the day, when we would have daily meetings at the Boardroom aka the Peoples Republic of Mwendas. It was a random Wednesday and we were chilling downstairs with Barrack OBamba (Bob). Siptivities (Archer 2009) were at an all time high when the tamuest of yelo-yelos walks into the joint. Resplendent, hawtness, very gewd, welocamu siti-downi (Dimo 2010), whos-ua-mutha supuful. Heh, the bamba was ma-hotnesses. She walks straight to the counter and is busy on phone, gesticulating furiously. “Ching-ching” both Bob and I recognize the tell-tale signs of a lovers tiff. I look at the BambaTwentyYoung and I’m impressed. Skinny jeans, funky top, sexy boots and an apple bum to boot. As usual Bob is charged with the task of scorching the earth to pave way for Milologue. He is promptly dispatched and as soon as she hangs up the phone he is by her side. Ten minutes later I join them at the counter. She is called Puzi and works as an air hostess for L Shabooboo Airlines. We were later to find out that her truancy earned her the boot. We laugh and chat all night and digits are exchanged.

Two days later I send her an ambapo text (kinda like gauging the temperature of the pool with your toe). No reply. A while later I try calling. No answer. I give the usual 2 day grace period and round it off with a kthxbai text (a coward lives to fight another day) and call it quits.

Siku nenda siku rudi and about a year later we bump into Puzi at Betty’s. She completely ignores Bob but runs up to me and *girl she give me the tightest hold me ever receive in my lyyyyfe* it’s a ka-hug for world cup. She pandilias me like well-manured bougainvillea on a wall. Assi wallap? Taking things in stride I ask how she’s been and what’s been happening. “Oh, I left jobo, oh, my phone was stolen, oh, buy me drinks” LOL. But she says she’s with her boys and she’ll shake them off soon enough. By the time we are leaving she’s not yet ready so we agree to catch up later at K1 for Jazz. Soothing sounds of jazz were ours (ndio zetu) moments later at Pitcher and Butch. I then get a text from Puzi. “Woiye my dear, these guys have insisted I stay with them, si we catch up kesho”. I tell her its no beef and we agree to do Taidy’s the next day. She sends me an invoice (Zee 2009) for some airtime SMH

Boot-licker where??

The next day we are sipping polite, shooting pool at Taidys when she tells me oooh her boy is pitiaing to drop off something. Minutes later, she gets a call from the dude. She then tells me ati I shouldn’t be too touchy feely cause she “is feeling” the dude coming *Hwat? Really? Really?* So the guy fikaz and she’s all over him like smelly odors on trash. Heh, okay…. When the guy heads to the loo ati she tells me relax because he’ll be leaving soon… I decide it’s safer to relocate to encourage and hasten his departure. As we are leaving, she asks if we can drop him off at the stage. I reluctantly agree only for the damn dude to kwamilia in the mots “can’t leave wont leave” Tsululu!

Time for Bootcamp

Game chafu I see. I deliver them to Kichinjio where the bodyguard will be disarmed. I call my boy and tell him package imefika. I tell Puzi plus one that I need to dash off and check on something down the road so I’ll join them later they can hang with the boys. Once they are out of the car I speed off to reload my Bambanet. My boy sends a text asking me “Who’s the dude with the package??” I reply saying “Bodyguard perhaps”. He is sharp and gets the message. I then text Puzi and tell her I’ve bumped into a girl “I’m feeling” at another joint so I won’t be coming back. She sends me an invoice for cab fare SMDH. I was later to find out her so called boy was her fiancé nkt! Anyways, said dude was demobilized that night.

*Scottish accent* What ya on aboot?

She texts me a week later saying she’s broke at the digs and must go out. Ati I send her cab fare we meet somewhere for drinks. I tell her I’m diggoz and I’m not chucking. She says I send cab fare plus spending money then. Again, really???? I lenga the text. 3 days later she sends me an application for an unsecured loan of 5k.
I search through my SMS archives for the kthxbai text and retweet it…