double-0 SHAKEN - licensed to spill.
double-o SHAmeless KENyan - licensed to spill
This post was inspired by this one.
ImPEEnding doom
The urinal (hereinafter referred to as utube) and the ATM are distinctly alike in certain aspects. Both are self-service and the client is usually quite relieved and happy at the end of the encounter. They also share the commonality that depending on the size of the tank/bank balance, the distance between client and self-service varies. Those with small balances tend to hug the booth shutting out PEEping toms. In the case of the utube, if the cow has refused (aka hakuna ngata, water rationing or mteja squad) the client tries to hide this fact from the queue, coaxing and cajoling his member to coo-pee-rate. Those with big balances on the other hand can start transacting from afar, legs apart, chin up, the world at their feet.
Bone of Contention
So there’s a bunch of Kenyans (double-0 shaken) who rush to utube only to return with fresh batik at the front of their light coloured trousers AKA alias sign the dotted line/to be continued/…(dot dot dot). Now, this is a preventable disease. Take a PEEk at what you need to do:
Agile Approach
Walk up to utube and measure with the skill of a film director. Use index finger and thumb (both hands) in inverted L shapes to create an imaginary camera and capture utube in perspective. Align this with your general groin area with the same *camera* aping the guys who check the size of mitumba underwear by placing it on the trousers they are wearing and stretching it outwards. Then do the rugby thing. Three steps back: right foot back-joined by left foot, right foot back again-joined by left foot. Right foot back-joined by left foot. Then two steps sideways: left foot sideways-joined by right foot, left foot sideways again-joined by right foot. Pause. Then do the John Wilkinson crouch (body bent, arms together joined at elbows and wrists pointing upwards, feet together, butt out, head tilted slightly) as you concentrate intensely, furrowed brow, muscles taut. Imagine yourself one with utube and utube one with you. Murmur *you and the urinal, you and the urinal* until you reach the state of yourinal. Then its touch-pause-engage as you quickly saunter to utube and begin your doodling.
Now this is the important part:
(To be stored in your Pee Door File for reference and easy access at the door)
On com-pee-tion erm... completion, you need to disengage properly. Get on your tippy toes. Do a pelvic thrust forward like MJ/MC Hammer but hold forward. Shake twice left, once right, pause, twice right, once left, pause. Then up and down, diagonal, like it’s the Formula One (F1) chequered flag. Depending on whether fully done, some squeegee-like action may be necessary to extract modicums/modica. One last shake for posterity and you’re good to go (others have been known to use the coca-cola brrrrrrrrrr to valuable effect).
Ha-PEE???
This post was inspired by this one.
ImPEEnding doom
The urinal (hereinafter referred to as utube) and the ATM are distinctly alike in certain aspects. Both are self-service and the client is usually quite relieved and happy at the end of the encounter. They also share the commonality that depending on the size of the tank/bank balance, the distance between client and self-service varies. Those with small balances tend to hug the booth shutting out PEEping toms. In the case of the utube, if the cow has refused (aka hakuna ngata, water rationing or mteja squad) the client tries to hide this fact from the queue, coaxing and cajoling his member to coo-pee-rate. Those with big balances on the other hand can start transacting from afar, legs apart, chin up, the world at their feet.
Bone of Contention
So there’s a bunch of Kenyans (double-0 shaken) who rush to utube only to return with fresh batik at the front of their light coloured trousers AKA alias sign the dotted line/to be continued/…(dot dot dot). Now, this is a preventable disease. Take a PEEk at what you need to do:
Agile Approach
Walk up to utube and measure with the skill of a film director. Use index finger and thumb (both hands) in inverted L shapes to create an imaginary camera and capture utube in perspective. Align this with your general groin area with the same *camera* aping the guys who check the size of mitumba underwear by placing it on the trousers they are wearing and stretching it outwards. Then do the rugby thing. Three steps back: right foot back-joined by left foot, right foot back again-joined by left foot. Right foot back-joined by left foot. Then two steps sideways: left foot sideways-joined by right foot, left foot sideways again-joined by right foot. Pause. Then do the John Wilkinson crouch (body bent, arms together joined at elbows and wrists pointing upwards, feet together, butt out, head tilted slightly) as you concentrate intensely, furrowed brow, muscles taut. Imagine yourself one with utube and utube one with you. Murmur *you and the urinal, you and the urinal* until you reach the state of yourinal. Then its touch-pause-engage as you quickly saunter to utube and begin your doodling.
Now this is the important part:
(To be stored in your Pee Door File for reference and easy access at the door)
On com-pee-tion erm... completion, you need to disengage properly. Get on your tippy toes. Do a pelvic thrust forward like MJ/MC Hammer but hold forward. Shake twice left, once right, pause, twice right, once left, pause. Then up and down, diagonal, like it’s the Formula One (F1) chequered flag. Depending on whether fully done, some squeegee-like action may be necessary to extract modicums/modica. One last shake for posterity and you’re good to go (others have been known to use the coca-cola brrrrrrrrrr to valuable effect).
Ha-PEE???
Labels: brrrrrrr, dot, drops, F1, self-service, spill, urinal, utube
posted by Milonare at 6:07 AM
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