FartosynTHESIS

FartosynTHESIS (THE synopSIS)

If ever there were a beauty pageant pungent for flatulence, one can only imagine who the contestants would be:

Parapanda
In this case tanye decides to piga tarumbeta the fullest. The sonorous reverberations, measuring 6.5 on the Richter scale, cause the butt cheeks to part, wobble and re-merge severally, resulting in an appearance of clapping, as if they are self-complimenting. Accompanying sound from the mouth of producer is sss (breath intake before) mmmmmmmmmmmmmm (during) and aaaaaaaaaaah (relief immediately thereafter).

Falsetto
This high-pitched baby is a major tribute to the greats i.e Aaron Neville and the Bee Gees. Ndwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii is the ever increasing pitch of falsetto with accompanying heat, likely to burn a hole in even the newest of polyester. As its best, people in the proximity have been known to swat and swipe at the environs of their ears, suspecting the presence of mosquitoes!! One needs to be careful that this one doesn’t end off in sputters lest the flatulence be chaperoned by more er… semi-solid products…

Tommy-gun
This one’s been to the jungles of ‘Nam and lived to tell the tale. The rat-tat-tat action signals its shooting its way out of the captivity of constipation. With the hallmarks of military strategy, T-g accumulates the troops over time and rebelliously breaks for freedom! Accompanying sound from the mouth in this case is WTF!! (immediately before) and uu-uu-uu-uu-uu (during and well after release)

Undacova
If ever there was a perfect illustration of the legal term “Res Ipsa Loquitur” ie the thing speaks for itself, this is the one. The producer will usually be humming under his breath “Mos mos, mos mos, Pole pole! Mos mos” (ESir ft Brenda) during the release. The only other thing one can say about this silent killer (Akiey, 2005) is that it inspired the Chinese saying “Packed elevator smell different to midget”.

Fartogenic
Like wolves, these ones travel in packs. They tend to be hereditary hence thrive at family gatherings. Commonest example is the table scene in the Nutty Professor where various family members exchanged not-so-pleasantries. Usually, the first of these acts like a choirmaster setting the pitch with a slight toot on the harmonica. The various choir members respond willingly and on key. The accompanying instrumentation tends to be the ooooooooohs and aaaaaaahs of relief from the producers and an occasional Kirk Franklin/Kanye West imitation with shouts of “Well-in! Good one there! Suh-weet!”

Mteja
This really doesn’t count, except by association. Common in places under public scrutiny and presence, emissions due for release are stopped dead in their tracks! It involves great control and practice. Butt cheeks are clenched and the pelvis is pushed forward eagerly and hard. It becomes a case of FRTS (Flatulent Return To Sender). Output is sent back to the nether regions it came from. Usually results in a growling stomach that one struggles to control by frantically sucking in and pushing out stomach, all the while practising lamas class breathing techniques (Nick, 2006).

Ladies and gentlemen, and the winner is…