OesoFUNGUS

OesoFUNGUS (FUNky GaseoUS)
A collabo with the one and only loonie mate

Proximus Maximus
Ever sat next to a person emitting rancid fumes from the eseo… oseo… eoso… oose… whateva… phagus? Jeez, this guy can do you some damage!! Can anyone in the house spell h.a.l.i.t.o.s.i.s?? And to make matters worse, the polluted halitus is accompanied by vapid, insipid speech punishing the nose and ears in a two-pronged tag-team-like attack.

Peek-a-boo
OFFENDER: NOW the breath is usually HOT and HUMID, usually from the depths of the pharynx. It's usually Meaty...and if early in the morning u can trace tea and bread smell (usually the unsliced type). It's released in one gusto...or in whispered motions if the person is aware. The lips as aforementioned (actually mentioned lower down) move like a presidential escort to clear way for incoming tornado vapours.

OFFENDED: The wave hits the nostrils with the fury of Katrina. There is blurred vision sometimes loss of balance sometimes incoherent mumblings of agreement... You instantly tear up, blink. Reflex urges are muted and u can’t sneeze...u feel ur toes and nose-hairs curl up. Ur smell centres discern the different smell... and for sure they confirm that's a new kind of nasty. You try not to breathe. You try to breathe via exhaling only but your body reaffirms some inhaling is required...you shy away from the smell and breathe south south west of the direction...but that smell is good in hide and seek-it creeps up on u and screams "GOTCHA!" and for sure you have been had!

Waiting to Exhale
For some reason or other, those blessed with this condition have the tendency to exhale while speaking (pre, during and post each word) generating a machine-gun like assault on the nostrils further aggravated by a rain-shower of saliva, worthy of an umbrella. They use words like ehhhhh, ahhhh and ohhhhh that require exhalation to enunciate properly – sheez these guys!!!! Their faces (cracked lips et al) approach yours in some warped reminder of perspective from Art lessons bringing nasal destruction and gloom nearer, oh so nearer!!!

Ever heard of mints my guy, ever heard of mints? In fact, the guy probably needs the mint SWAT team.

Tidbits

• These guys usually have lips that are flared in a 'don’t touch my teeth' direction...yaani them lips are like running away from the pungent odiferous volcanic eruptions happening from within
• Now, a closer CSI interior look shall reveal, remnants of undigested...or unchewed chunks lodged within pockets. At some point some ndengu seeds even start germinating but the extra free oxygen doesn’t help matters.
• They splatter away in speech, and if by bad luck a drop happens to land on u...do not wipe, do not touch...just let it dry out...
• These people are the type that wipe their mouth with their hands and hold doors and shake hands and u end up wondering if they had just visited the loo...trust me you’re luckier with the latter
• These people are the same ones that fall asleep behind/beside u in a mat with the mouths open and they ventilate you collar in ways that violate u more than Instigator's last post

Putting the Moves
Their whispering of sweet nothings to the ears of the lovelies emit fumes of neat swathings wrapped around a decaying mummy… If this guy happens to be a kao doctor, when he asks you to “say haaaaa” you do not require anaesthesia as you’ll be out for the count - for quite a while.

Wira ni Wira
Anyway, I can see at least 3 jobs they are guaranteed to get:

• Anti-riot police to replace contents of tear-gas canisters with upepos ma-smelly
• Pest control – no need to fumigate. Get the guy sleepy and then release him to yawn continually in the target room.
• WWE wrestling champion - a finishing move called Breathalyzer - Alcoblow kando...

Na msisahau ku-floss meno leo jioni!!!