Les MiseraBALLS

Les MiseraBALLS (BALLiStically painful)
Yes, I finally get to mention the unmentionables in their full glory. And mention them I shall; generously and severally in abundance. Mention them as others are so liberally doing here, there and everywhere - LOL

Call them what you may: shrivelleds, wrinkleds, kwa watoto, proverbials, grapes, family jewels, crown jewels, Trinidad and Tobago, them Mushrooms, the twin Kahunas, mboroz, gentiles*, groinads*, meatballs no sauce - fine by me.

Whichever the case, they can be a source of major, earth-shattering pain my friend.

Tight situation
Your day begins in haste as you’ve overslept. Rummaging through the drawers reveals that you have no clean er… drawers; save for the one mini-undie you never got round to wearing. Given that you will be donning your light silk trousers, operating like Bill Angothaz is not an option.

You therefore squeeze yourself into the miniscule innerwear. During the course of the day, portions of your unmentionables shrug themselves off the undie in a bid to get free - cue Braveheart's William Wallace “Freeeedooooooom!!!!”
Soon you have the discomfort of mini-wear squeezing sections of your proverbials against your pelvis. The evidence of this reveals itself via:

• A significant change in walking style where left and right leg seem to be powerful magnets of the same polarity.
• Grimacing evident on the face with hands inadvertently heading towards the general area below the belt just to be hastily withdrawn on sighting nearby human presence.
• Yelping sounds whenever sitting is attempted.
• A tendency to push the butt backwards, upwards and outwards with a slight shimmy and wiggle hoping to wrestle free of the mini-wear.
• Imprints of gulleys, wadis and undulating valleys on meatballs no sauce etched out by pressure of miniwear on available portions of unmentionables.

Relief, sweet relief
Arriving home that evening, you release your shrivelleds from their captors for the day, cupping them in your hands and cooing with pleasure… If ever there was a feeling of paradise, it is the feeling you have then!!! You stand up and allow them to rock gently side to side, forward and back, all the time enjoying the relief of a slight wind blowing against them comfortingly and soothingly. In the event of lack of the breeze, an old copy of the Pulse magazine and some fanning hand action can help. “Coochie coochie coo, coochie coochie coo” you softly, affectionately and caringly sing your apologies to your goodies. You really punished them today!!!

Danger ahead
Other times, it is not your garments that are the cause of the discomfort. Take the instance of walking down the streets. Your supuumeter automatically senses an approaching beauty! Alarms bells sound off in your head(s) and your eyes dart around hungrily, searching for the intuitively sensed target. Aaaaaah… There she is in her full glory… Her summer dress receives a waft of wind and rises to the occasion. In a scene reminiscent of Marilyn Munro, said lovely attempts to curtail the upward flow of her dress with both hands. The glimpse caught of the creamy thighs result in a trouser bulge not too high above your knee.

This moment of pleasure is swiftly and abruptly interrupted by thunder, hailstones and white lightning in the brain as you walk into a waist-high pole by the pavement. The pole dissects your lower half, dead centre between the thighs, bringing forth tears, gnashing and grinding of teeth. Tremors rock the body and you suffer an immediate but temporary case of rickets bringing the knees together and forcing the heels apart. You sink to your knees as wave upon wave of pain signals are persistently and continuously communicated to the brain.

Is there are choir in need of a falsetto singer? Because your voice will revert to being unbroken for the rest of that week…

* Corruption of groin and gonads and yes – I meant gentiles...